I am jumping on the whine trip crazy train. I'm sick of the doctor visits, the trips to the ER, the frantic calls to my husband in the middle of the night when he's working. My friends, family, and doctors telling me it's "just your hormones". To me, hormones are not tangible; I can't see them or touch them. I have been tested for this, that, and the other and I am told it's my hormones?
Perimenopause is testing my rationale, logic, and ability to understand things. What's up is down, what's down is up, I have a few good days and then without reason or clear logic, I wake up a different person, putting my feet on the floor to test my steadiness. Things look and feel odd, like I'm a stranger in my own body. This feeling haunts me all day and I am constantly aware of every twinge, ache, pain, flush, mood, and heartbeat. The worry sets in and then the fear, and so then for DAYS I am trapped in a body that is betraying me because I cannot logically talk myself back into my real self. I MISS her, she's smart and funny and strong. She never used to cry and worry and have panic attacks. she used to be able to drive 1,000 miles in one day to see her family in FL, but now she can barely drive to work 8 miles away without wondering "is my breathing shallow, why can't I catch my breath, what IS that weird head twinge, why is my eye twitching, is this a panic attack or a hot flash? OMG! I should turn around and go home, open a window, I can't breathe, LET ME OUT of this body!!"
No amount of doctors, pills or exercise can give me the peace of mind I so desperately need at times. And yet there are times when I DO feel strong and confident, I cling to those moments. The roller coaster ride continues; don't know how much longer I can ride this ride. I just want someone to stop and let me off.